The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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