So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
