His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
