I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
