just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
