I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
