I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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