I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
