My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
found the other keg... it's in the tree
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
