U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
