look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
