They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
