is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My breasts were aching with rage.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
