You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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