i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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