I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
