The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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