and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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