Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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