if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
