You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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