I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
