I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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