rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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