So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
