i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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