The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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