Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
