This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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