Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
