ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
