she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i think my mom watched the whole time
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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