at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
