you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
