its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
