I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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