The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
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fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
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Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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