He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So vagazzling was a success
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
