I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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