I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
