is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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