Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
