In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
