My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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