My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
