I think I just saw someone hide a body.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
