i don't plan on having that self control this summer
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
