I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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