The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
