Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
