Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
