today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
