why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
