I feel great
I just peed on a car
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
