Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you traded sex for a burrito?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
