So drunk its hurt
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
